2017 I moved into K9 Coliving. A self-run community of 50 people in the heart of Stockholm. I have written extensively about it, I will try not to bore you with it here. But this is important for the plot.
At the time, I had just moved out of my flat after a breakup and was about to become unemployed. I needed a place to stay and regroup. Moving there was more out of necessity than a conscious choice to live differently.
My budget being what it was, a private room was out of the question for me. That bothered me a lot. At 31 years old, I had a very hard time accepting that I would have to share a bedroom and bathroom with another girl. A stranger, on top of that.
I remember thinking I would always be dreading the moment I would turn the doorknob, push the door open, and see someone there.
Fast forward 6 months. The only thing I was dreading was to push the door and find the room empty.
It is not about similarities
She and I were/are so different.
She is organized and tidy, she is ambitious, determined, extremely dedicated, and hard-working.
Not that I am not any of these things, but at the time, let’s say I was pretty disorganized, and not so tidy. And I was definitely lost when it came to my career and personal life.
I am an early bird she is a night owl.
I love the Swedish winter and she comes from sunny Italy.
And yet. In three years of sharing a room, and a bed, we never fought. Not once.
It is about communication
I am pretty sure we had “the talk” about what was a big no-no and what was a grey area, and that we discussed our routines and needs.
As we got to know each other better, we got more and more relaxed in each other’s company and it became easier to communicate what worked and did not work.
It is about Respect
Respecting the other person, and yourself.
Understanding yourself and knowing your triggers and boundaries so you can communicate them to the other person with key.
It is about Empathy
putting yourself in the other’s shoes. Leaving the space how you want it to be when you come back. Not turning on the bright light or smashing the door open if she is sleeping.
Some basic yet essential things.
God knows I did not always leave my side of the room immaculate but I had the decency of hiding my mess under the bed or a blanket to preserve her.
That does not mean putting your needs second but it definitely means putting hers higher than you would anyone else. And at times, higher than yours, yes.
It is about Adaptability
Trust me, I never saw myself as someone who easily adapts. Someone who “goes with the flow”. But with time you realize that there are a lot of things you thought you needed a certain way that in the grand scheme of things do not matter that much.
It is about seeing the bigger picture
Let’s not forget the setting here. I am sharing a bedroom in a house of 50 people. The experience itself is priceless. I am constantly learning. I am constantly challenged. It is not easy but it is exhilarating. And I get to talk it all out with my roommate. I know this is a period of my life. I know things will change. But right now. I am loving it.
It does not always work
Your bedroom is your sanctuary. It should feel safe and comfortable. If it does not work, it does not work. Before me, my roommate had a difficult experience.
No one should feel a sense of dread pushing their bedroom door and seeing someone there they do not want to see.
But when it does work…
it is something very special. I was eager to go home and hoping to find her so I could tell her about my day. We were sad to see the other one go away for a few days.
It’s funny. When we are kids, we dream of moving in with our best friends and we often grow up and become strangers.
Well, I moved in with a stranger and we became best friends.