I would not trust those who say otherwise.
Chances are they are takers with little self-awareness or haven’t stayed long enough to fully experience what living in a community means.
whether you are a Digital nomad jumping from one destination coliving to another or joining a long-term self-run community, Coliving is challenging.
You have to navigate the first days/weeks/months getting your bearings in a new space with new people.
You have to find your place in an “already established” ecosystem. Understand the traditions, guidelines, and unspoken rules.
You have to find your routines and test your boundaries all the while trying not to step over toes, not to mention survive FOMO.
You will also quickly realize that what you thought to be “common sense” is silliness to others, and what you believed to be “universal truth” is eternally questioned.
Weeks, months, even years in, you will find yourself rolling your eyes to the back of your head, mumbling to yourself: “People!”.
1. You are around people.
And let’s face it. Some people are more pleasant to be around than others. “like-minded people” is a term we find a lot on coliving websites (ours included). It is a reassuring term as it seems to mean “our minds are similar, we’ll be friends”.
The truth is, we don’t know. We might have similar values or dreams but does that mean we can live together?
Very often, the discomfort comes from much more down-to-earth problematics though.
We all have annoying habits that can be tolerable every now and then but met every day can become pretty dreadful.
Some people are loud. Not that they speak louder than others, they are just “loud” in everything they do: walk, eat, breathe... Others seem to keep scores on how much they do, while some do close to nothing, and there are always some who are just here for the occasional free food.
Or so it seems. As frustrated as one can get (raising my hand here), there is a 98% chance these people have no idea they are coming across that way. (Let’s assume there are 2% of assholes everywhere).
How do we let them know then? Is it even our job to let them know?
Receiving “constructive” criticism is always difficult. But when “It is not business, it’s personal”, it is even harder. Not just for the receiver. Giving this kind of feedback is awkward AF. No matter how many “non-violent communication workshops” you may have attended. It is just not pleasant.
And so many of us will choose the “easy way out” (guilty as charged):
1. ignore,
2. move on,
3. ultimately, ruminate, and complain to ourselves or others.
2. You have to share.
The idea of sharing is simple and beautiful. The reality of it is much more complex.
Sharing means having less control over something. It’s ok when we’re talking about a vacuum cleaner or a blender. But what happens when we touch on the things and space that we believe or were told, “define” us? (or if it is your plate of fries!).
Home Spaces
The kitchen seems to be the center of most coliving quarrels. That usually has to do with cleanliness or lack thereof. The drying rack turns into an unstable pile of pots, the cloth found drenched at the bottom of the dirty sink…
The workspace is another place where co- can come to die if no one adapts a little.
There is always someone taking the best spot, the biggest screen, the whole table. There is always a problem with calls and the amount of music that is socially allowed as we work in a room with others.Then there is the living space that looks so lovely after the cleaning staff has left and is turned upside down within a few hours as if we had somehow built a fort with the pillows and blankets.
So we retrieve to the safety and privacy of our bedroom. If we are lucky enough not to share that as well. But who would be that crazy? (I was and I loved it).
The bedroom becomes the sanctuary. But it can also quickly turn into a cage. And so we are forced to get back out there. Where the others are…
Time
sharing a bathroom means potentially having to wait for someone to shower first…
you meet people on your way to anywhere in the shared house. That means potentially engaging in short to long conversations with fellow colivers.
If you want to engage and be part of shared activities while living in a community, you will have to make some slight adjustments to your routines and timelines. Yoga might be at 8 am which is “early for you” and dinner at 7 which seems way too late.
There is so much going on, you will have to give away some of your alone time. How much is too much? that is a lesson we all have to learn the hard way.
Values?
What is a value anyway?
Something that defines expected behaviors and help make decisions. They are best when acctionable and something you can fall back onto in case of doubt or disagreement.
(Fun fact: trust for example, cited on numerous website under “Our values” is not a value but the outcome of you living by your values).
This brings me back to the “like-minded people” slogan.
Does that mean we share the same values? And if so… what are they? How do we interprete them? And then there are the beautiful values that we wished were the ones we live by (loyalty, honesty, kindness, integrity, selflessness…) and the ones that truly guide our lives. They might not be exactly the same.
In coliving it’s a bit of a holdall clusterfuck, to be honest.
What I’ve learned along the way is that many of the frictions listed above will often come up to the surface waving the“misaligned value” banner:
“This person is doing this or that because they are not sharing our value of [—-] “
Having values and living by them are two different things. And few people can claim to do it day in and day out. So “misaligned values” is an easy culprit.
3. You have to give
Probably my favorite lesson from 3 years living with 50 people: Don’t ask what the community can do for you, ask what you can do for the community.
Paying rent is not enough. Paying rent is the baseline. You would pay rent anywhere else.
You chose to be in a community. There is more to get out of it, simply because there is more to give.
Nowadays currency seems to be the only thing we remember how to exchange. But there is so much more we can give, other than money.
Joining a coliving you are given the opportunity to give in many different ways. You are invited to give your time, your attention, and your skills, a simple hug and a smile, a cup of tea, or an idea. Without keeping tabs.
In a perfect world, we would live by a simple rule: In doubt, give.
I would recommend to anyone interested in the topic to read Adam Grant’s Give&Take.
4. You have to get uncomfortable
Getting uncomfortable with others, we briefly went over. But also, and especially with yourself.
Why do I believe this is the right way? Why am I right? (am I?)
Why have I always been doing this like this?
Community living brings to the surface a myriad of questions we never knew to ask. And it can be overwhelming.
Many of us go through the revised cycle of grief: starting with the usual denial, frustration, a sense of being completely overwhelmed, and finally, blissful acceptance.
By acceptance, I do not mean accepting that the others are right but accepting the process. Accepting that things are not exactly as we always thought they were.
And, great news, you can find yourself within that cycle at any time. No matter how long you have been coliving.
5. If it is free, you are the product.
That quote is usually used to refer to your personal information being sold to companies for promotional use. But if we adapt it a bit, it works as a good rule of thumb for coliving.
If you are not giving anything away but $, you are a tenant. Not a Community member.
Nothing in life comes for free. As generous as we want to be/are, we all hope for some kind of “return on investment”: whether that is time, care, support, love, belonging, appreciation…
The thing is, there is no way around it. No secret shortcut.
You have to go through all of this list. That is the only way you will truly experience community living.
Of course, you can live with others without giving or without ever feeling uncomfortable but if you don’t, chances are, people around you are. They just haven’t gathered the courage to tell you yet.
Many people will say “no thank you” to this. And I think that is worth applauding. Knowing your limits is a rare quality nowadays.
/12.02.24 Update after an interesting comment at the Coliving table last night with Some Truth In It
You can also be someone who feels comfortable in a new place right away. That does not always mean you are a taker or making other people uncomfortable. It can mean you have great self-awareness and experience of living with others.
Community living is challenging. And yet, we do it.
So if all of this is true. Why do we put ourselves through this? Why do we keep seeking the company of others?
Because beyond the discomfort comes the real you and I.
Once the masks have dropped (or shattered), genuine connections can form. And so…
We laugh with them.
We learn from them.
We also teach them.
We grow with them.
We tell stories.
We overshare.
We are reassured we’re not alone. We are valuable even.
We are told we’re doing a great job. We are told when we’re wrong.
But we are seen.
We are missed.
We belong. And that, my friend. Is priceless.
We are both fuller from the experience, and lighter as we shade our preconceived ideas and discover new ways of doing, of making decisions, and even daring to try new things in the safety of a new cocoon.
There is so much beauty and joy in coliving when you come with an open-mind and an open-heart.
...but when you don't, it's a shitshow.
Mo, I love this post!